Bush proposes fighting global warming with nuclear winter

Following last week's summit, leaders of the G8 nations announced some creative steps to address climate change.

"When you look at the projected costs of reducing carbon emissions with new energy technology, or not using oil or coal," President Bush explained, "that's a lot of money that would be taken out of the pockets of hard-working Americans. As I've said before, we must protect our economy as a first priority."

Leading up to the conference, it was clear there was a difference of opinion on the matter of climate change. While the Europeans were pushing for setting definite goals such as halving carbon emissions by 2050, the United States had indicated a clear reluctance to do anything. Facilitated by George Bush's negotiating acumen, the attendees hammered out a compromise: they would pretend to do something.

While careful to point out that a new "Cold War" would not lower temperatures on its own, President Bush said the consequences of it could indirectly have that effect, noting "this solution uses technology we already have at our disposal."

Scientists have long suspected that a massive exchange of nuclear missiles would loft enough particulate matter into the upper atmosphere that it would block enough sunlight to decrease the global temperature by a few degrees.

Hanging over the summit from the start was tension with Russia from proposed U.S. missile defense sites in Poland and the Czech Republic

The Russians are afraid the installation is the first step in a defensive shield that would nullify Russian missiles, seen as a step in nuclear escalation. The White House claims that is a misunderstanding.

"All the tests so far show this system won't even fulfill its stated purpose - which is intercepting a missile or two from a rogue nation," a White House representative said. "So Russia should just chill out."

The German government has mixed feelings about global warming. On the one hand, the country has made a substantial investment in renewable energy. On the other hand, vacationing at the Baltic beach resorts, such as the one where the G8 summit was held, requires a certain stoic tolerance for wind and cold. German applications to host Spring Break festivities for MTV have been continually passed over in favor of balmier destinations such as Miami or Majorca

Herlock Sholmes